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Jul 11 2014

Why We Need To Talk About Rape

Every person who talks about rape, slut-shaming, destroying rape culture, etc. has a reason. Some people know someone who has been raped. Some people have children that they want to make a safe world for. Some reasons are in an effort to prevent and others are for justice. I talk about rape culture because I can’t talk about my own rape. To the general public that is; I can’t talk to most people about it. The people who know a small amount of details don’t care to know more and the only person I told everything to believes it was my fault. But I deal with my attack every single day of my life and now, I’ve decided I’m going to talk about it. Because as a society, we need to talk about it. We need to acknowledge it. We need to support victims and we need to persecute attackers.

I was raped by someone who was my friend. Someone who I had a pseudo relationship with when my boyfriend broke up with me. A relationship that ended when I got back with my boyfriend. And when this “friend” didn’t like that I didn’t choose him over a long term relationship, he “punished” me for it. So yes, it was my fault I made a bad friend. It was my fault I chose to spend time with this person when my boyfriend ditched me for his emotions. It was my fault I ditched him when I thought my boyfriend decided to grow up. But it wasn’t ever my fault that I got raped when I told my “friend” he had to stop harassing me. Because when I said “No” and tried to get away, I got pushed. When I said “No” and tried to stand up I got slapped. And when I said “No” again, I got my pants pulled around my ankles and my wrists pulled into a painful death grip. And I got raped. I said No. It doesn’t matter what I wore or the past choices that I made. When I said no, I meant it. And I cried out “No” and “Stop” and even begged “Please Don’t” so many times I never kept count.

But according to some people, namely my (now ex) boyfriend, it was my fault. I should’ve never been his friend. I should’ve never met with him (rapist) after he (boyfriend) dumped me. I should’ve never tried to stop the harassment. I should’ve never done this, that, etc. He’s the only person I told everything to and the reason I have such a hard time talking about it.

Dear World, There are two things about my rape that were my own fault.
1) Not going to the police right away and instead trying to wash the filth off my body.
2) Letting my boyfriend verbally abuse me, keep me all but locked in his home, and control me for nearly a month afterwards, because I let him convince me it was my fault instead of just leaving him and getting therapy for myself.

And because I’m still haunted to this day by the fear of running into my attacker again, I can’t just be normal about it. I saw him many times after the incident. He worked in the same building as me for a month. After that I nearly ran him over in the Chik-Fil-A parking lot because he didn’t know how to watch for cars, then saw him at the mall and Wal-Mart within the few weeks after that. When I moved 40 miles away from that city, I saw him on every middle-aged man’s face. I’m reminded of him at least once every day even now that I live 900 miles away. And the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and a tear comes to my eye. Because I’ll never get away from the experience I had.

So today, when I was sympathizing with this ex about his mother passing away due to cancer after being a heavy smoker for years, he says this to me about that two-year-old incident. Because I’m apparently not in enough pain. This is just snippet of the conversation, among claims of infidelity, STDs, and more.

*Photo updated to black out Kirby’s name.
Not that it’s illegal. But I’ve been harassed enough.

Dear Kirby,
Because I’m not going to directly speak with you until you grow up and learn how to be a good man, I’m going to say this here.
I empathized with your depression. But that doesn’t excuse the fact that you ignored my pain too. Your mom was going to get cancer anyway, and while I’m sorry about that, your mom was not a nice lady. So while you loved her, that doesn’t make her a saint. She was a bigot to say the least and I can’t support that. And as far as that last sentence, don’t ever expect to have my care or sympathy again. Because you don’t deserve it. No means no. Every. Single. Time.

—In addition, since that text conversation Kirby has now begun harassing my mother and my fiance via Facebook. Telling them his opinion about the events that took place two years ago. My mother and my fiance know everything about me and love me regardless. He doesn’t need to “tell them.” Nick blocked him instantly after seeing his messages and paid zero attention to what he said. And for the general public, no, I don’t have an STD, I have definitive medical tests to prove it because they’re recommended when you have an IUD removed. I didn’t cheat on Kirby, because having a casual relationship with anyone after your boyfriend dumps you isn’t cheating.—

P.S. Kirby. Please stop wasting your time trying to make people miserable. Because slut-shaming someone isn’t okay, and that’s exactly what you’re doing.

**If you liked this post, don’t forget to check out what I posted last weekend about a 13 year old being harassed after her rape case went to court and Nick’s post from mid-June about a twitter attack on a girl for voicing her thoughts on being a Hockey Fan.**

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